The Five Spot

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I'm a sports nut.  My wife (God bless her long-suffering soul) is sometimes amazed that she married somebody who, in her own words, "is such a complete fanboy when it comes to his teams."  Those teams, of course, being the Northern California holy trinity of the Oakland Athletics, the Sacramento Kings and my much-beloved Oakland Raiders.  With teams like this, who needs enemies?

Well, I do.  After all, what's a great hero without a great villain?  Spiderman without Doctor Octopus is just a geeky teenager with slightly bulging eyes in a cool red suit.  If there isn't any Axis, the WWII Allies don't have a lot to do.  Sweeping aside such regional pretenders as the San Francisco Giants, the San Francisco 49ers and the Golden State Warriors, I proudly present to you my latest installment of The Five Spot:  The Top Five Personally Most Loathed Sports Teams.

5)  Texas Rangers (MLB):  since they are in the same division as my beloved A's, I have at least a moderate dislike for them, joining the Mariners and Angels.  What separates them from those two others is that they were once partially owned by George W. Bush and (sorry marieb) they are from Texas.  I don't have a lot of love for the Lone Star State, and this especially extends to their sports teams.  The Mavericks and Spurs are okay; the Rangers can fuck the fuck off.  'Nuff said.

4)  Los Angeles Lakers (NBA):&nb
sp; before last season, this would have been the number two team.  Since Shaq and Phil Jackson left, they're a shell of their former selves.  However, they are still the Lakers, which means their empty-headed sycophant fans are decked out in their purple and gold which promptly disappears into the closet when the team doesn't perform well.  I hate a fair-weather fan worse than I hate their team and because of these slavish heels, they get the #4 slot (except for my co-worker Crystal, who is actually an intelligent fan).

3)  Baltimore Ravens (NFL):  in 2000, the AFC Championship game was played in Oakland.  The Raiders faced the best defensive team in the National Football League, a shameful affair which was punctuated by fat-as-fuck defensive tackle Tony Siragusa belly-splashing quarterback Rich Gannon, breaking one of his ribs in one of the most blatant displays of roughing the passer even seen and not called.  They are cocky, combative and prone to prison sentences.  Boy, do I loathe them.  Eat my shorts, B-More.

2)  New York Yankees (MLB):  for the record I completely hate George Steinbrenner and feel heartily sorry for manager Joe Torrie.  Shortstop Derek Jeter is one of the best players ever at his position and... and... and Jesus, I completely fucking loathe this team.  With their bloated payroll, maniacal owner and boorish fans, they sum up everything that's wrong with pro sports.  Okay, the Raiders are 2-3 on that count... but they're not the Yankees.  Case closed.  By the way, as the Red Sox would say... how about them apples?

And the number one most loathed team in sports is...

1)  Denver Broncos (NFL):  since 1960, the Raiders and Broncos have been butt
ing heads in the old AFL and today in the AFC West.  It's one of the bloodiest rivalries in pro sports.  Very simply, I hate everything about this team.  I hate their blue and orange uniforms, I hate their stupid stadium name (Invesco Field?  What the hell is that?), I hate their rat-faced coach, I hate their cretin owner and his fur coats, and most of all, I hate the fucking Denver Broncos.  To be fair, John Elway was one of the best quarterbacks of all time.  Having said that, I say again... fuck the Denver Broncos.  Sorry lesliemoniot and orcho5000 if you're offended by that, but it's true.  Denver is hereby cordially invited to kiss the hairiest part of my ass, and we all know what part that is.

Thanks for playing along, kids.


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